He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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