i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
