I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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