I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
