Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
