I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
