Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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