i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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