You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
