if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't deserve a penis
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
