would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
