Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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