He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
