My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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