don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
