I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
