ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just invented taco cereal.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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