the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
