dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
