your parents love me but you hate me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
