If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
