I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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