Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
