Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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