You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
