i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
