She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
