i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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