Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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