Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
