Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
