He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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