sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
