Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
