idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
