OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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