I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
