God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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