Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it's like heaven, but drunker
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
