I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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