I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
