You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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