So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You're earring is so big in my mouth
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
