I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
