Where is the hickey?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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