i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
