I will die if light touches me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
