dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
