Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
