On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
